Thursday, July 15, 2010

confusion and questions

Through my whole ordeal, I keep hearing in my head "The Pure Love of Christ" What does this mean? I tried to look on things as how i believe christ would. Christ has a continual love for all. He said forgiving others is our duty, judging is his.

We are all given times of trials and we are to be judged on how we perform during these desperate times. I love my friends and family, they try and help all they can but i just have not received any answer that seems to fit me perfectly. Does this mean that I just am stubborn or does that mean What i have been advised has not been correct?

Luke 17:32 "Remember Lot's Wife"

Lots wife looked back as she was fleeing and was turned into a pillar of salt. this lesson may show that we should trust in god and not yearn for things in the past. To move on, take the lessons of the past and trust in the lord.

I do trust in the lord. I know how i was living before wasn't the best of circumstances. The thing is I Do not Blame Just Him him as in ex husband. I made mistakes, I did stupid things, I acted as a child and I've come to see how Irresponsible i was of things I've done in the past.

I guess what I'm saying is that A lot of people advise me to Forget him, and to "move on" as though he is my worst mistake. That he is not a good man. but I will stand up now and say HE is a good Man. He just made Stupid Decisions. We both did.

The way we were living we were wasting our lives. We had no goals, we had no hope. We were just living.... He cheated on me, but honestly, It crossed my mind as well. I wasn't happy in the way i was living and i associated it with being married. but It was the transition from being a child to an adult, and also not having the gospel in my home. I'm still having a very hard time grasping what i need to do. but I think Now is the time to make mistakes and to learn who we are.

So, No i do not yearn for that time again. I just wish things ended better. I learned a lot from those 2 years. And even now I have struggles. I'm coming up from the despair i was in but I really wish that people will forgive Him. I have. I just really hope others will understand how i did better. Its really hard to be a judge of someone when I am not that person. I guess this is where it says, judge not lest ye be judged.

I am not going to speak poorly of him. He is a part of my life. I just like i said, wish thing ended differently.

Sorry about this rant, I just feel so.. i dont know. How closed minded people get on certain things makes me feel like an idiot. I loved him I married him and I chose him. And people saying things like Move on and forget it... its not easy. and It makes me feel stupid that people can easily write it off... like it never really happened or mattered... becasue it did.

"Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!

Well, guess what? That is probably going to result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of your landfill with the reply, “Yeah, I remember it. Do you remember this?” Splat."

Remember Lot's Wife
Holland, Jeffrey R

My friend gave me this speech to listen to. and it mentions the pure love of christ. and it gave me hope that I'm not crazy.

"Such dwelling on past lives, including past mistakes, is just not right! It is not the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is worse than Miniver Cheevy, and in some ways worse than Lot’s wife, because at least there he and she were only destroying themselves. In these cases of marriage and family and wards and apartments and neighborhoods, we can end up destroying so many, many others"

So just in closing, Yes people have made mistakes, but I just believe dwelling on past mistakes does nothing but harm ourselves.
I'm not saying I'm back with Him, Just please be more understanding on my view point on the whole matter.

Sorry for the long rant but I really needed to express myself

here is the link to that talk:


Michelle said...

I don't know what others have said, but I'm hoping that when they say to "Move on", that that is also a way of saying to "let it go, forgive Him and carry on with your life" Because part of forgiving IS moving on and to not let the past dictate your future.

And I'll share something with you that might help. When I was serving in YW, the whole judging thing came up a lot. I found this quote in the True To The Faith book put out by the church. It says- "Sometimes people feel that it is wrong to judge others in any way. While it is true that you should not condemn others or judge them unrighteously, you will need to make judgements of ideas, situations, and people throughout your life. The Lord has given many commandments that you cannot keep without making judgments."

If you get a chance you should read the whole thing. You can probably find it at If not, email me and I'll type it out and email it to you.

Anyway, hope that helps. And just remember that usually when people seem to be harsh in their judgements in THIS case, it's because they care so much for you and really, truly want you to be happy! Love you!

GreenTeam said...

Thank you Lara for this blog post. I have had harsh feelings towards 'him' but I think most of it is because he hurt you. I also feel that this was meant to happen, even though it is not something I would hope upon anyone ever, I know that it has made you a better person. You're moving in the right direction and I just hope I can always be there for you.

Jenn said...

Oh Lara, this brings back so many memories of the time I was going through my divorce. Everyone wanted me to hurry up move on and get over it! I believe that the people that care about you most just want you to stop hurting as quickly as possible. It's hard to see someone go on and on in pain, and not be able to help make things better. In your situation the only person that can make things better is you. However long that takes, well that's how long it will take. There is no time table for divorce recovery. There are also so many stages that you are going to go through during this process. It's quite similar to grieving for someone that has died, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The first year is a roller coaster ride in regards to your feelings toward "him" and this is something everyone goes through. There will be love and hate and hopefully at one point you will like each other again. The best advice I can give to you is to be as busy as you can possibly be. Along with school, work and photography make sure to socialize as much as you can. Don't jump into a rebound relationship but do go on dates and have FUN! Lastly, just remember not everyone has been through a divorce. Those that have can truly understand what you are going through. Those that haven't will offer advice because they love you and want to help in any way they can. I'm always here for you if you need to talk :)