Sunday, February 28, 2010

"...but for me and my house, we will serve the lord."

As I sat in sacrament meeting today, I had a bunch of mix random emotions. I was happy to be there, but then I wasn't. Looking around in my family ward, I only saw people who were married and had kids. I'm jealous, and angry because of the path that was thrown in front of me.

But I'm guessing it should be understandable. I mean, I have gone from Wife... to someone who is trying to reevaluate everything I thought was my current goals. Then the speakers began to speak about Josh 24:15. it says something like, choose you who you will serve..."but for me and my house, WE will serve the lord."

Thinking about this made me realize, the path i was on, wasn't leading where I wanted to go. Even if i had all faith and hope, it takes two to make it through the temple. It takes two to teach your children about importance of Christ in your lives.

So then looking around I wasn't as upset or jealous. I am happy I have the opportunity to try again. To find someone with the same goals and dreams as I do. Not saying I will be actively searching now, I still need time to reevaluate everything, and prepare myself to give my whole heart to someone,not the portions of a wounded, shattered one. I just hope when if I do find someone new that they may be patient and strong.

In my quest for answers, I have been happily blessed with this months ensign. In an article written by Larry Richman "Learning Through Life's Trials" it has given almost a map to help people like me.

1. Rely on Christ
Doing this one isn't easy, but I'm working on it.
2. Rely on Others
it states the lord will work through others to help me. I have a hard time with
this one...maybe I should humble myself a bit more.
3. Let Adversities make you a Better Person.
Okay, So I am really trying not to be a bitter person...its hard, but I know i'll
Do it.
4. Live with Integrity
I will just keep moving forward, one step at a time and not negotiate my values
5. Be patient
6. Keep an Eternal Perspective.
It referred to a Brigham Young talk given in 1859. Summed up he says Imagine
yourself thousands or millions of years into the life to come. We look back at
this time, at our afflictions and pains and if we endured it well we will pretty
much Laugh. Yes it was hard but it was just a moment in our lives, look at where
we are now.

So Looking at all of this, I just need to remember Who I Am. One day I'll look back and well, laugh.

My closing hymn of the sacrament was Hymn #134 I Believe in Christ
"I believe in Christ, so come what may...."

Friday, February 26, 2010

Friday friday friday...

Well I'm actually going to go have fun tonight! My good girl friend is taking me to either the gymnastics meet or a Dance competition thingy. I'm really excited! Its also Cheap! haha god bless my student ID.

Well last night I actually got sleep. It was really nice to feel refreshed in the morning instead of half awake. I know its because my prayers emphasized extra on letting me sleep. So thanks big man! lol

Matthew 11:28-29

28. come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and i will give you rest.
29. take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meed and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

I know I haven't been studying long, but I'm grateful I am choosing to follow the lord. It has been made easy knowing he is there and that he wouldn't put me through anything i cant survive. Another interesting thing is I got a blessing from my dad, and He said I have a strong soul and I will make it through this...and then my stake president said I have a strong soul. I am happy with that. I just hope I will use my strength accordingly.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Moving forward, even if its slow...I'll get somewhere

Today has been uneventful. I've of course had My husband on my mind all day long! It stinks ya know, but i know with time and patience I will forgive and eventually forget the pain I'm in.

Today was amazing though, I received the Ensign. Its a church magazine and this month had a lot of articles with the topic of Enduring. Coming over you trials, and Not letting it get you down. It was really helpful. I know they probably did it for those suffering in Haiti or something, but secretly I know its to remind me even though i feel alone, I'm very much different.

So I come to the library so i don't feel so alone. Funny thing is I never talk to people. maybe I should reach out, but How? Hey my name is Lara, I'm a complete mental wreck and i was wondering if you could help piece me together? lol, can you imagine the other persons face? They would be like...what the heck?

But I just want to say I'm so grateful for the support system i have. I have really good friends who Love me, even though I've not done anything to deserve their love, and My family. I have gotten more calls from family this month then I have for maybe a year... lol.

It really helps though that I'm starting to rekindle my relationship with my savior. I'm sad to say I've been lost. I envision myself in a mine. I would be managing but not very well stumbling...and then i'd see a glimpse of light then Bam! I'd fall down another shaft just getting into a darker and darker place.

But now...I am seeing the faint glow ahead. I know that the savior has come down into my dark dark mine and is holding out a light for me to fallow. Why would the savior climb down this Dark, Disgusting mine shaft for me? I've not been there for him for the last few years.... Why is he reaching out?

I know cause he's my perfect older brother who cares for all souls. even mine. He would climb down any mine shaft to help us up and out. I'm grateful for my testimony, and that I'd have someone care enough to help.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Blind Man

Well, today the weather has been crazy cold. Snowing in almost blizzard conditions. I was feeling sorry for myself thinking Only if it were sunny, only if i were happy. A lot of wishing and needing on my part.

I write tickets for a job so I had to be out in this for 5 hours. In my last hour when I felt my worst i look up and see a blind man. He looked my age and he had to walk around with a walking stick. He wore shorts and a light jacket. Obviously no one told him it was going to be a cold day. As he walked along he had a hard time finding the path because it had not been shoveled. So he was walking back and forth back and forth but he was doing pretty well. When he got on a hard sidewalk he booked it. I could not keep up with him.

Thinking about this it made me realize. My husband was gone, but I am still an able bodied person. I can see and walk. I can take care of myself. I could be in a much worst position. i guess it made me think i am going to make it. If this man can walk around in a blizzard with no help, then i can too.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

New movement

Well, Here is what is new in my life...

Papers still not filed. Husband is debating if he can give me what i need. but right now I'm not on the high list. if we had scores...i think i may be a zero...or even a negative on the ranking.

He's given me the couches though. so that is a plus.

I was sadly informed though by a friend who i s a guy...who i liked a while before i was married...that since I'm going through a divorce...I have been tainted. Like a man will find
it hard to love/marry me because I've done it. That marriage is too special to waste it on someone who has done it before.... Thanks pal. I mean that is not what a girl would like to hear, but then again it is probably true.

Oh man I hate feeling this way. That I have become second best to the one man i gave my entire self too.

I am LDS and lets just say premarital sex is a major no no...because its the best gift to give a spouse and it will bind you together and blah blah blah. well...i didnt have premarital sex but does that now classify me as in the "unclean" group? haha i was just picturing Divorce as a form of Social Leprosy. Reminds me of a video...i should have a tattoo on my forehead that says recall or rejected or something.

Anyways i think this is all i have tonight. Not much but its something.

Friday, February 12, 2010

My new beginning

Well well....Where to start?

I was married Nov of 2007, to the man Of my dreams. He was strong, handsome, Loving, and well everything i wanted. Feb 5th 2010 Was my down fall from my cloud.

We are currently in the process of the split. He's made mistakes, I've made mistakes and Now i feel as though we are both paying the price. Papers haven't been filed yet... he is coming down to pick up whatever is left here of his. I'm trying to find a job and well Keep busy.

I wasn't the provider so this is going to be really hard for me to deal with. I will have a car payment, and rent now, and I will have get all the other things. I have a job but barely make enough to even buy half the groceries i need.

I really want the process to be done and over with, but we're just starting. I hope he doesnt want the couch... but we'll see in an hours time.

This blog is to help me grieve. Help me get over the pain i have and move on.

I have to accept i wont be loved... and i can never tell if i will ever be again. Good luck to me, and maybe, just maybe, i'll survive this.